Divorce Sucks

my experiences in divorce land…

Anticipation January 7, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — divorcesucks33 @ 5:05 am

Waiting sucks.  I mean, really sucks.  

Any day now I should hear from my attorney that the divorce has been finalized.  It could happen tomorrow.  Part of me is excited to get it behind me and start building my “new” life.  Part of me is terrified.  

I am excited to have my own home.  I have found a house I really like.  It’s new, in a good location and within my price range.  I think it would be just right for me. I’m a little nervous about all the bills I will have but I think if I’m careful with my money things will be fine.  

I’m nervous about getting the kids on the “new” schedule.  Spending a week with one parent at a time will be a big adjustment for everyone.  I think it’ll be okay though.  

It will be great to decorate the way I like, cook what and when I want, have my own room and bathroom, have anyone over that I want etc.  

Things will work out.  I just have to keep telling myself that.  

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about two weeks.. December 16, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — divorcesucks33 @ 3:45 am
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So, in about two weeks I should be divorced.  

I’m feeling a wide range of emotions… I’m happy to have it finally done.  I’m sad that I failed at marriage.  I’m scared I won’t make it one my own.  I’m anxious to get away from my ex.  Etc.  To put it plainly, I’m freaking out!  

On top of this S has finished school and will be moving soon.  I wonder how much longer he’ll be around.  How much more time do I have with him?  I know I’m ridiculous for being with someone I know isn’t a long term  option.  I care for him.  A lot.  I will be heartbroken when he leaves.  BUT I have gotten through this divorce and I know I can do anything.  I am a strong and capable of doing anything I set my mind to.  When I loose S I will have to move on and search for someone else to care for and who will care for me.  Hopefully next time it will be someone looking for more.  

I’m really not sure how I’m going to get through the next few months… but I know I will.

 

My birthday… December 3, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — divorcesucks33 @ 4:11 am
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Tomorrow I turn 34.  

yikes!

How can my life be such a mess right now?  I had everything together and my future was basically set.  Now, as I turn 34, I am almost divorced, in a relationship that’s going nowhere, in a decent but not great job, stressed out so badly I continuously have panic attacks, still living in my soon to be ex husband’s house and feeling completely lost and alone.  

I thought I would be excited about my birthday.  You know, a whole new year to make improvements in my life… Older and wiser.  I’d like to crawl under a rock and wait for tomorrow to pass before I come out.  I know my friends and family will wish me happiness and I may even get a few gifts… I know they mean well but I don’t think they realize how unhappy I am about being a year older.    

I really don’t want S to get me anything but I know he will.  I told him not to.  I love to give gifts but receiving them makes me feel undeserving.  I have issues, I know.  

I’m also not happy I have to get up before 3am to go in to work.  Not happy at all.  

So, here’s hoping tomorrow is a good day.  Maybe it will be the start of a wonderful year for me.

 

Am I a good person? December 2, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — divorcesucks33 @ 9:18 pm
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How do you know if you’re a good person?  Am I a good Mom?  Do I balance the things in my life well enough?  I mean, there are my kids, work, house/errands, friends, dating and family.  How do you know if you’re doing it right?  

 

My kids:

I love spending time with my kids but I don’t think it’s necessary for me to be with them all the time or hover over them.  I work with them on homework and studying just about every day… We talk about their day and any fun things or concerns they have… We occasionally, go out to dinner, take walks at the lakefront, go to the park, play board games, watch movies or read together.  It has been really difficult for me to learn how to go out and take care of myself and not be with my kids all the time since the separation.  I used to do just about everything for them.  I am trying to learn to let go of some of that and encourage their father to do things with them as well as help them learn to do things for themselves.  Their Dad has this way of making me feel guilty for going out and dating etc.  He says he’s joking but it doesn’t feel like it.  

 

Work

I have only been working out of the home (since my kids were born) for a year.  It has been quite an adjustment.  My job is paid hourly so I try to get as close to 35-40 hours a week as I can.  I have to work.  If I don’t work I don’t survive… 

 

House/errands

I am really hoping that once I get my own house I can get into my own routine and cleaning/errands schedule that works with my schedule as opposed to juggling things between myself and my soon to be ex.  It will also be nice to keep things where and how I want them…. but for now I struggle constantly with trying to keep things clean and everything done at home… AND I still do his laundry, take care of the cats exclusively and do most of the other household chores by myself.

 

Friends

I don’t have a lot of close friends.  I talk with them on the phone or correspond via email often.  I need their support.  I don’t spend as much time with them as I’d like.

 

Dating

S and I are still seeing each other.  We spend as much time together as possible.  I guess we usually see each other two times a week… sometimes three if we are lucky.  It will be nice when I have my own place and he can just come hang out sometimes (while I get other stuff done–like housework).   I really enjoy my time spent with him.

 

Family

I don’t see family very often.  I guess that’s something I need to work on.

 

So, I’m not sure if I’m doing this right or not.  Am I doing a decent job juggling everything?  Why do I feel like I’m doing a terrible job all the time?  

 

Perfection November 15, 2013

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I made a list of attributes my perfect man would posses… Silly, I know.

 

  • Is proud to have me by his side and wants everyone to know I’m his without being overly possessive or jealous.
  • Smiles all the time.
  • Gives me random sweet kisses on my cheek neck or head.
  • Wakes me up in the middle of the night to make love to me because he can’t sleep with wanting me so badly.
  • Loves Ella Fitzgerald and Louie Armstrong and will dance with me in the living room to their music.  Also loves a wide range of other types of music that we can both enjoy together.
  • Is kind to animals and children.
  • Is silly sometimes.
  • Has tickle fights with me and lets me win on occasion.
  • Is passionate.
  • Makes me laugh.
  • and most of all loves me for me and never tries to change me in any way.
 

Tis the season…

Filed under: Uncategorized — divorcesucks33 @ 12:24 am

With Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas and New Years right around the corner I feel sad.  It feels like the time of year to snuggle up close to the person you love and share in the fun, laughter, happiness and hope this season brings.  It’s a time for fires, hot cocoa, dancing, singing, decorating, feeling thankful and looking towards the future.  All of these things are so much better when you are with someone you love.  Someone with whom I could sit in front of the fire with a cup of hot cocoa.  Someone who would take me in their arms and hold me close while dancing and singing a Christmas carol.  Laying in bed together talking about all of the things we are thankful for and knowing in our hearts how thankful we are for each other.  Being held on cold winter nights under a mountain of blankets.  Cold nose kisses… hot baths together.  There are so many special and wonderful things about this time of year.  I wish I had a special someone to share them with.  

I guess this year will be a lonely time for me but maybe in the future I will have all of these things with someone who cherishes me.

 

Under pressure November 5, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — divorcesucks33 @ 1:05 pm
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Ever listen to the song “Under Pressure” by Queen?  That’s how I’m feeling right now.  I feel like the weight on my shoulders is too much to bear.  I have far too many things to worry about and take care of.  All I can think of is curling up into a tiny ball and sleeping for a very long time.  Maybe during that time things would work themselves out.  I could wake up and feel refreshed and less tense and anxious.  

I really need therapy.  The only problem is I can’t afford therapy.  I just don’t have the money.  So, what do I do now?  Keep it all bottled up inside and hope things improve.  They can always get worse but maybe, just maybe, things will start to get better for me.  I wonder if it’s even possible.

I should ask for help from someone.  There must be someone who could take some of the pressure off of me.  I’m not really sure who.  Many have offered to help me but I don’t feel comfortable asking for their help.  My pride gets in the way far too often.  

Ugh!  When will my life get better?